Confusion

This past week has been pretty hectic as well - since finals are next week, we have been preparing for them like crazy and have had a lot of tests/quizzes/projects. It seems to me that *every* week is insane, I'm not really sure how I make it through, but thank goodness, winter break is coming up soon!

Now on to the real purpose of this post:

I love riding. I've always loved riding, and I love everything about riding. But lately, riding hasn't had that much appeal to me. I still go, and I still enjoy it, but it's not as exciting or interesting anymore, and the weeks when I do miss a few days, I don't mind. I guess I'm just very confused, because I so vehemently believed that riding was my one true passion, and that I would continue riding and having horses forever. Now that I don't own my own horse, riding has seemed more like a hobby, just another thing to fill my time up with. I suppose I'm expanding my horizons and finding new passions, but I'm not the type of person who changes my mind easily, or flits from activity to activity.

Take, for example, my future career. Since I was five years old (and I clearly remember telling my mom the first day we got my dog), I've wanted to be a veterinarian. Many years later, this desire hasn't changed one bit. So why has my interest in riding changed? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure that I like it - I really dislike change, especially the change of my own beliefs/opinions. Right now, it seems like riding and theater are competing with each other, and I'm not sure which one will win, if one does. I don't want to have to give up either, but I guess this is my best chance at breaking into the theater world a little more, and riding might have to wait on the sidelines. But I don't want to have to choose (ugh, I sound like a spoiled brat!). I will just have to wait until everything plays out, and I hope that it will all work out in the end. If you can't believe in that, why bother believing in anything?

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Now, a slightly different topic, but with the same theme. A few of my closest friends and I have been slowly drifting apart, and I really don't know why. These friends are those that I can tell *anything* to. My entire life, I've found that there are only a very select few people who I am able to talk to easily, and I can't choose these people my self. They come into my life, and for some reason, I can share some of my deepest secrets with them. And, unfortunately, I am unable to make myself share those secrets with the other people I call my best friends. Even more unfortunately, the friends that are drifting away are some of those select few. I've never been good at confrontation, but really feel that I need to talk to these friends so that I can understand what is happening.

I know that it's almost finals week, and the week after a big performance, and that everyone is stressed out and upset, but it physically hurts that I am not able to talk to these friends as I once could. I was never (and am not) very good at showing my emotions or sharing personal things, because I cannot stand feeling vulnerable, but without my friends to talk to, I've been keeping a lot bottled up inside, which I know is not good for me. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this for.

Luckily, a few of those friends and I are going to a performance tomorrow night, so I hope we will have the chance to sit, and at least talk about what has been happening. I don't know if they feel it too, but I've always been sensitive to things like this. I just hope that I can resolve some of these problems. It will all work out in the end, right?

-E